Andy Ramblings

This proves some Doctors are, in fact, human and make normal mistakes!!!

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent ..

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .

Dr. wouldn't submit his name!


 

THE FINANCIAL CRISIS EXPLAINED IN SIMPLE TERMS:

· Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin.

· In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later.

· She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

· Word gets around, and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood Into Heidi's bar.

· Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages.

Her sales volume increases massively.

· A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

· He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

· At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.

· These securities are then traded on markets worldwide.

· No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.

· Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

· One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently, of course, fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

· However they cannot pay back the debts.

· Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%.

· PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.

· The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.

· Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

· The bank is saved by the government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

· The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.


· Finally, an explanation we understand.

So sod this stuff about global warming, bahh humbug! Burn, over use everything! that's the way to go these days! So what if the grand kids have nothing but sand and rocks. Who goes to the North Pole to see the Ice? Cold, windy, useless place anyway. Dark for 6 months of the year, useless place really isn't it. Why not have it as a place where you can windsurf, or water sky around the pole ? Ya useless place really.

Well today was a busy day at the office, network stuff not working, testing other network type stuff, but the wrong lights go on. There were supposed to be 4 green ones, I didn't get that combination, I got Orange, Green, No light, and red. So, either some one is playing games. or this is knackeard, I'm sure I shall find out tomorrow. I ran away from the office on noticing these lights... Not a good sign. I gets home... There is a brown package waiting for me. It's from the UK, I wonder who's sent me something? Then I remember Lulu, Yes, my copy of Shaggy blog stories has arrived. You want evidence? OK, Photo below.

Yep, Just before St Pats Day when everything turns Green! Today is Red Nose day, Where everything is Fun, and people want you to open your wallet and give cash. Why give cash and get nothing in return? Why not give cash and get a great book! Yes, Shaggy Blog Stories is out for you to buy. So, run along, nothing else to read here, go buy the book.

That's your mission for today... Buy the book and make some one happy!

Yes, it's something some of us love, but most of us dread. I didn't really like them that much, but then I didn't have the wisdom of Wally from Dilbert. Wally, you see, always manages to find a way out of getting work done. He lives on nothing but coffee, so is always a wake, but a bit idle, or working hard to appear to be idle. On would could say, if he  were to put the same amount of work in to real work, that he puts into  trying to be idle, he would , I guess be one of the most productive people in the Dilbert office.

So, I present you with Wally's work appraisal.

So, when you have your next work appraisal, think of that oneliner.
I can only say that Scot Adams is a genius!

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
• The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A poll shows what us IT folk (we are very nice really)  have known for years, that IT support is one of the most stressful jobs around. Well so says Skillsoft after it polled over 3500 IT 'experts', if it's the same experts I have heard of, I'm not surprised they find it stressful, most don't even know how to install more than 1 operating system, know how to fix a BSOD (a nasty problem that when happens can be a bit of a worry, but most times it's ok)
So what are the other jobs? Well the folks at El Reg have a report on it, here are the results.

1. IT
2. Medicine/Caring Profession
3. Engineering
4. Sales and Marketing
5. Education
6. Finance
7. Human Resources
8. Operations
9. Production
10. Clerical

There you go, us IT peeps get pestered by those below the in the list.
To go further, there are obviously far more stressful jobs, and again the folks at El Reg have delivered.

1. Iraqi police recruit
2. US Army bomb disposal expert
3. Baghdad A&E doctor
4. British Airways pilot
5. Naomi Campbell's personal assistant
6. Naomi Campbell's housekeeper
7. Dick Cheney's shooting buddy
8. Steve Ballmer's office furniture supplier
9. President Bush's grammatical consultant
10. Wayne Rooney's fiancée
11. IT journalist

I think the guy who does the grammar for Bush has given up! I suppose if you Cheney's shooting buddy, but not a lawyer, you may just be ok, or disguise yourself as a quail and you'll be safe. Just make sure he's not sober!

The Chinese premier is visting the UK.

Prescot meets him and mentions that they have just lost a vote on 90 days. The chinese premier replies, What's a vote?